The Ugly Side of Grief

There are 5 Stages of Grief. They are:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

Apparently, they are in order however I’ve been told multiple times that you go through them many times. Back and forth. Back and forth. Zig zagging your way through them. Except Acceptance. That does seem to be the final one.

I know I have gone through the first four MANY times in the past six months. Today was a prime day for Anger. Holy shit was I angry today. Not at Andrew. Not at his stupid, impulsive moment that has spiraled my life out of control. Not that. No, today…today was an angry day at the world. And it was all about Facebook.

Everyone seemed to be complaining about the STUPIDEST CRAP! One person was whining about having to drive 45 miles to the closest Abercrombie Kids (seriously???) to go back to school shopping. Someone else hosted a pity party because they had to check out their groceries themselves. And the list goes on and on. And I got ANGRY. Angry that people were complaining about the silliest things. Angry that they were so upset about something so small. Angry at their anger over nothing. Angry that these people had such TRIVIAL problems that are forgotten about in an hour and that things, stuff, can be replaced. All I could think was, “In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. This is a moment of annoyance. You want something to complain about, take a step in MY shoes! MY SON IS DEAD! HIS LIFE IS OVER! And you’re complaining about THIS???” Inside, I raged all day. Angry at the small mindedness of people.

It occured to me about twenty minutes ago why I was so enraged. I wish I had these problems. Once upon a time, I did. I would get frustrated and vent over the littlest inconveniences in life. It would annoy me if a cashier didn’t greet me with a smile. Being stuck in traffic would have infuriated me. And someone not changing the toilet paper roll WOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF THE WORLD! I realized that I am envious of their problems. Life used to be so easy. I look back at all the small stuff that I used to get soooo upset over and want that life back. Back then, I didn’t know the true cruelty of life. I didn’t know the true feeling of pain. I didn’t understand how life can change in a heartbeat. I was clueless.

Of course, now, as I sit here and write this, the anger has left. Tears and sadness has replaced it. Plus, a healthy dose of foolishness and regret. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. Everyone has problems, struggles and heartache in their lives. It may be different than mine, but it is still theirs. It still evokes an emotion to them. And who am I to rage over someone else’s life?

This is the ugly side of grief. The side that is not me. This is not the person I want to be. I really do not like that stage. I know it will come back. Just like every other damn stage. Except Acceptance. I cannot imagine ever reaching that stage. Honestly, I don’t think I ever want to.